Gorilla What?

How easy it is. We find something we feel passionate about and become the worst form of ourselves. Not the version you would find at a family gathering or an intimate evening with friends. No, the worst version of ourselves comes out when we find ourselves challenged and we disagree- but we have the safety of a computer screen. I am not immune to stupidity.

I found myself- in the midst of all the opinions about who was to blame for a child falling into a Gorilla exhibit at a zoo- in a crazy thread between myself and a friend on Facebook. We both hid behind our computer screens and typed/shouted at one another about a Gorilla and a child. I am not eloquent enough, or timely, to really express what I think. This mom did a pretty good job. 

That being said, I was not the best version of myself that day. I was self righteous that day, opinionated, and confident in my opinion. It wasn't a wrong opinion, but it wasn't right either. I demanded if the person I was speaking to enjoyed judging people- all the while judging her myself. It ended with us not being friends on Facebook anymore - as if that is a testament to weather or not we're really friends.

At first, I told my husband that I felt really terrible for blocking this person, and for saying the things I said, truthful as they may have been. But he said something profound to me. 

"Don't think about it as if it's losing a friend. Think about it like letting go of a person who doesn't help you be the best person you can be. If you are your worst version of yourself with them, then is it worth it to be like that; even online?"

Wow. Thanks husband for holding the mirror up to nature. It wasn't that she was terrible. It's that I was terrible responding to her. Whatever our disagreements, they are completely irrelevant. To be the best person, and the best mom I can be... before I judge any other mom or caretaker, I have to take a long hard look at myself and find my own short comings. Because my own fault doesn't justify me being cruel.

So for being cruel, I apologize. I apologize to you, dear reader, because she may never read this. And because I may have at some point been cruel to someone just like you. I didn't mean to be, but I was. We all have those days we need to atone for. I'm trying hard to be a better person, I don't always succeed. But today, almost a week after a poor kid fell into a Gorilla exhibit, lets be kind to one another and remember that we're all human.

Family Friday: Moving and Change

You may have noticed I took almost 2 weeks off. That happens when you move. Things like packing and cleaning take priority. If you’re like me, you neglect the things that actually keep you sane- like writing.  So I’m back this week. Ready for this new adventure in a new town a little closer to all my family. Whoa.

We’re relocated to Spokane from Seattle, a huge change for the little and me. She was born in the city and I’ve always know that city living and I get along really well. It is not so big a change for the husband, who grew up here.  Spokane has always reminded me of Nevada, the state I grew up in. Rolling hills that go on forever, pine trees and clear blue skies (so long as it’s not fire season) rivers, lakes and hiking trails.

It’s not all that different from Seattle I suppose. My recent trip the grocery store only found a few things missing from the isles I’m accustomed to. And everyone said hello. Like, every person that works there said hello. So that was kind of nice. The kiddo is doing ok too. She only asked to go home once, and has slept in her own bed every night.  It may be a little hard when it finally clicks that this is home now, but for the time being she’s my little trouper.

So moving sucks, but change does not. Change is usually  a new opportunity, and for that little silver lining, I am forever grateful.

Family Friday: Celebrating Mother’s

My Mom, my and my Grandma Shirley at my Wedding

Sometimes, Mother’s Day is reduced to a flower delivery and whatever sparkly our consumer nation is peddling at the time. I may be in the minority, because while I love fresh cut flowers and chocolate, I don’t need them to celebrate being a mom. Once upon a time, I actually had nothing to give my own mom other than some pretty words, and I won a contest for them.

Now, as a mom myself, my view on mothers and particularly my own has changed quite a bit. I’m still every bit as grateful for everything she has done and still does. But more than that I am quite simply floored by her. I can’t fathom how she did what she did and still manages to have a smile. She was a single mom with a 4 year old and a new born for my earliest memories.  How does a mom with two small kids make ends meet and still have the energy to think about the future? But she did.

She’s not alone.  There are perhaps thousands of single mom’s in my own city. There are stay at home mom’s who have a spouse- but also have three kids under five and are at their wits end. There are work at home moms and go to the office moms. All of them still manage to care for their kids.

 

My mother and law and myself at Gasworks Park

We like to judge. There is a thousand different ways to parent and no way is right or wrong. If you’re kid gets a lot of screen time, it’s not the end of the world. If they get not a minute of screen time, also not the end of the world (though I really must learn your secrets Mommy Wan Kenobi).  Full organic homemade meals or drive through- the kid’s still fed.

The point is this: Be the best mom you already are. Don’t compare yourself to others, and certainly don’t let others tell you what you’re doing wrong. Take it as you will, but know that no one but you knows the absolute truth about what’s going on inside your home and parenting challenges.

I’d like us all to take a moment and tell a mom thank you. My sisters who are wonderful examples of moms I'd like to emulate. My friends who have taught me the "tricks of the trade" and made me a better mom. My mom who raised me with courage and love. My mother in law who has a generous heart of gold for me like her own daughter.

Thank a mom. If it’s your own, make sure to call her and say how much you appreciate her. If it’s a friend, send her a text to say you see her and all she does. Take the small breath of time to thank a mom today.

Introducing the little to my friends from Z Nation at the
State Capitol. Her concern was for their owies.

Family Friday: Take your "MEternity Leave" and Shove It

I really should delete Facebook off my phone. I do once in a while simply to refocus on what's REALLY important- my family. But because I generate a fair amount of work from the social hell-hole that is Facebook. I added it back recently. What a day to add it back.

Hey look, a selfish prat. 

Yesterday, some 38 year old magazine editor has declared to the world that she deserves "MEternity leave"- which is selfish person speak for "me time" in a vain attempt to equate it to motherhood. Her logic behind this is that she was "envious when parents on staff left the office at 6 p.m. to tend to their children, while it was assumed co-workers without kids would stay behind to pick up the slack."

What. The Holy. F?


First of all, your co-workers do not leave you to pick up the slack. You, according to your own bio on your own website, you were a SENIOR EDITOR. I'm not sure if you read your job description in its entirety, but I would bet the words "responsibility" and "X hours a week" were included. 

Cry me a river.

If you really need "MEternity", take your little sabbatical. The modern word for this is "vacation".  I'm sure that since you are such a put upon person in your high stress job, your boss would be happy for you to do so. I bet your place of business has another set of words for it though: personal time off, more commonly referred to as PTO. If you're very lucky, your industry offers these things. Most do not. 

Me, recovering from my surgery in our tiny one bedroom
while the alien dog watches over me.

There is a disconnect between folks who have children and those who don't. Neither is wrong, each person has made life choices that suit their own personal mantra and needs. I applaud people who haven't had children, and I applaud people who have. 

The disconnect, however, needs to be cleared up a bit. Childbirth is probably only comparable to someone who has undergone major traumatic surgery. Maternity leave can only compare to someone that experiences a long painful recovery time from that surgery. I speak from experience because I had a major surgery a year before my daughter was born.  It that took me nearly 4 months to fully recover from the surgery and do things like walk without assistance. The tendon's in my hip still pop from it. 

"Maternity leave" is not "me time".  The purpose of maternity leave is so that the mother can both recover from delivery and bond with their new child- a thing that numerous doctors and scientific studies have said is critical for early childhood development. Keep in mind that the adorable bundle of joy is supposed to grow into a responsible citizen one day who contributes to society and takes their garbage out. These benign every day adult tasks are set up in child hood, and have nothing to do with a parent taking "me time".

Day 1: take the kiddo home.

Let's establish what exactly happens during maternity leave for the average woman- IF you're lucky enough to HAVE maternity leave because we live in American damn it! You take care of yourself! Just look at how it's changed from when our parents had maternity leave and how it looks now.

I was lucky enough to have maternity leave. Boy did I need EVERY minute of it.

You go through delivery. This can take as little as a few hours if you're lucky. If you're like me, it takes 18 hours of the most painful pushing you've ever experienced in your life. If you're like my friend in Arizona, it's a scheduled C section that is several hours of surgery followed by several DAYS in the hospital for recovery- before you ever get to be a "mom". If you're like my daughters God mama, it takes over 30 hours that ends in an emergency C-Section because of complications. Then add the extra days in the hospital for recovery. Then go home and "be a mom."

Now you're home, where the real fun begins. Every 2-4 hours that tiny precious human has a need. This need ranges from being fed, to being cleaned, to being consoled, to what ever they might need. Nine times out of ten- because they don't speak real words yet- you get to GUESS what they need. If you're lucky, you get enough time with them to start to understand their signs and get a little better at guessing.

All of this is subjective to a child who is born with absolutely no complications.

That was not my experience.


I have written extensively on what it's like to spend your maternity leave in tears because your child has special needs, and no matter how much help you have from friends and family, at the end of the day it's still you. Their medical needs, combined with their infant needs means that what would normally be a small respite of "me time" is now transformed into preparing for medical needs- in addition to all the little other things they need.






Phew! We made it. We made a baby and got through our maternity leave! Now we can get back to the day job. Forget that 62% of workers report that their company does not offer maternity leave at all. Welcome back to the real world you slacker!

So when you, in your high paid job- you have the audacity to claim you "deserve" MEternity leave, you can seriously get in line. Get in line behind the thousands of woman in this country every year who get NOTHING, but are still expected to show up while taking care of their child. Get in line behind the stay at home mom who has three kids and does everything from house cleaning to teaching to cooking. She could really use a little MEternity leave, a lot more than you.

Don't give me that crap about "well she chose to have a child" because you chose not to. Again, neither choice is wrong, but you want special treatment because you're a unique selfish snowflake who wants to "shift their focus to the part of their lives that doesn’t revolve around their jobs." 

Newsflash. 

Maternity leave is not about shifting your focus, revitalizing your strength or finding your inner voice. 

Maternity leave is about taking care of another human life. 

It is most certainly not about ME time.